Miss Me With That Cult Shit
By Graeme Burglar
The opinions of the author may not reflect the views of The Body International and cultstories.com
Everyone should know by now that joining a cult is straight-up dankless. The cons pretty fucking obvious. Yet for some reason, y’all keep signing up and butt-chugging the Kool-Aid anyway.
If you’re an afterlife-obsessed grandma who doesn’t subscribe to Netflix, be my guest, I honestly don’t give a shit.. But us who are obviously in Gen-Z have no excuse at this point, and we’re still joining cults.
My dude, you’re going to get dunked on every time.
If you’re under 30 and think joining a cult would be🔥for some reason, hopefully this list steers you in the right direction.
Here are 11 legit reasons to say no to cults specifically designed for young people that should make it crystal-fucking-clear how much dirty dick cults blow on a routine basis. It’s time to get off the fence, Zoomers.
1. Lectures are Boring
If you join a cult, you’re probably going to have to listen to the leader lecture for hours about the same old bullshit. The lesson never changes. Sounds pretty fucking tedious if you ask me. Endless self-filating yacking by leadership doesn’t register anywhere near the fun-time hot zone. Tuning in to repetitive propaganda over and over would be about as exciting as combining an AP algebra lesson with a speaker series at bible group in Missouri where pleated pants are mandated. Doesn’t matter what cult it is, even the most buckwild doctrine would be a snooze after you hear it 200 times. “Death to the apostates” might sound trill at first but then you’re just getting ass-pounded by mind control. Rock-hard pass. If you’re a nerd who likes lectures, I’m sure there are thousands of hours worth of content you can watch on YouTube.
2. Weird Sex Stuff
Not every cult is out to molest new recruits, but this shit is common enough that it’s best not to roll the dice. In a cult, you can’t always rely on the perv-dar you honed on the block. At a certain point, it might seem totally normal when the elders are walking around with their dicks out or whatever. Not flame at all. And keep in mind, no1 tells you about this shit at the start. And don’t think you’re safe because the cult you want to join didn’t have a pamphlet about fucking at orientation. The story has been told many times by now: One minute you’re making new friends who are telling you how tight you are and everything seem chill- the next you’re getting fingered by some dude who looks like the hobbit from NXIVM. Whack. If you want to have freaky sex, there are way better options than joining a cult, trust me. There are a million apps for boning strangers.
3. The Food is Trash.
Lots of cults control your diet. If the cult leader is vegan, it probably mean you’re going to be vegan too. Resources also might be an issue if you’re in a cult that relies on selling magazine subscriptions or some bullshit. Maybe there are so many mouths to feed on the compound that everyone only gets, like, a bowl of grain at sunrise and as a reward for pleasing God, half a pepperoni Hot Pocket on Sundays. Sounds like a coldass Nope buffet to me. Personally, I’ll rather burn in hell if some dickbag is going to dictate what I put in my burrito bowl at Chipotle. Not flame. Seems like you can eat whatever you want in QAnon, though. Some of those fuckers are huge!
4. Too Many Roommates
If you value your personal space, you’ll want to think twice about joining a cult. The brass tends to pack members together until there’s no place to j/o. If you’ve ever lived with too many dicks under the same roof, you’ll know what I’m speaking of. No room on the couch. Someone is always in the bathroom when you need to rock a hot piss. You can’t control what’s on the TV. Leftover pizza is damn free for all. After a few weeks with no space to be alone you might understand why a cult member might volunteer to eat cyanide. Plus, if you have to share a bedroom with a bunch of other members, someone is bound to snore. The opposite of dank.
5. The Music Sucks
There are real consequences when you can no longer decide what’s killer for yourself and that obviously includes what’s playing on the speaker system. This is bound to get torturous when some weiner who likes new age singing bowls is hogging the aux. Getting balls-deep in a cult can spiral into participation in super embarrassing sing-a-longs or even being subjected to Contemporary Christian Rock. You might even be conditioned to like that shit if it doesn’t miss you. Don’t you like having some fucking taste? I find it hard to hang in any scene if the DJ sucks elderly nutsack, and I’ve never even heard of a cult where the music isn’t aggressively hot garbage. Stick to your own Spotify playlist like a normal person. Why don’t you care about being cool?
6. No Booze At the Parties
No one seems to talk about this legitimate concern, but the majority of cults want their members to be sober all the time. No thanks, elder buzzkill. Just saying, it would be super unlikely to find a keg of Natty Ice at any of the gatherings, so expect water and ice cocktails at all the awkward-as-fuck gatherings. Maybe this is just me, but if I’m at some weird-ass mixer where I have to be social around a bunch of dead eyed strangers I just met, I’m going to need a full solo cup or at least a pinch of grass. Attending something like a mass wedding without the aid of party supplies sounds like torture on top of a shit pile. I’m old enough to party and I want to, guru-humpers!
7. Recruiting Would be a Nightmare
Cults need new members to keep the bullshit train humming, and the recruiting usually falls on the shoulders of the young and hot. It’s hard to imagine this task being an at-all-tight way to spend an afternoon. It would be absolutely boner crushing to go out in public and try to sell strangers on the ideas of some asshole who thinks he’s Jesus or a genius or whatever brand of butthair you get stuck with. What if someone you were crushing on back in chemistry class sees you? I’d sooner forward my grandma the entire sext collection in my iCloud if I were so eager to humiliate myself. If you think you can join a cult without being a “brand ambassador,” someone has sold you a deadass, bussin’ lie. Sales jobs swallow piss enough already. Reverse dank x100 on the recruiting front. Have fun passing out pamphlets on street corners while I take bong-rips, motherfuckers!
8. Death Cults Are Hard to Spot
This isn’t a common scenario by any means. Death cults are rare, but they’re still real af and the groups that play for keeps always fail to mention the endgame when they’re telling you how much you’re fit rips or whatever. For those reasons alone, it’s never cool to dismiss the doomsday scenario. If things go sideways your picture is going to be shared all over Instagram and you might look like total dogshit because of the weird haircut you were had in high school. You’ll be lucky if the news uses an old yearbook photo when they exploit your demise for clicks. Take my advice- save yourself the embarrassment and die like a normal person when the time comes. Get your shit together.
9. The Pay is Shit
Have you ever heard of a small-fry cult member who got rich on account of their job handing out fliers? That shit never happens. The only people cashing checks are the leaders and if you aspire to find a position in management, I have no advice for you but to sniff turds.
Heads up for the average wannabe cult member, you’ll basically be volunteering every second of your free time for someone else’s 🤑. Don’t expect weekends or holidays off either. Also, the benefits eat complete and total ass. Miss me with that cult shit. You can Venmo me $100 dollars for all this solid AF advice if you like to fuck around with your money @definitelygenzcoolkid.
10. The Outfits Are Whack
Cult leaders control everything, which might even include your fit. Sure, every once in a while a group pops up that actually has cool drip and a sense of style, but that’s not at all regular. You’re way more likely to look like an assclown than finding yourself in the next SLA, so expect to look disgusting and don’t be surprised when strangers ask to take selfies with you. Relevant QAnon hot take: You’ll find me selling flowers off the highway in mustard colored parachute pants and Crocs before I’d consider leaving the house in a MAGA hat. No cap.
11. Too Many Rules
Last one, dickheads! You’ve probably had a boss who rode your ass about company policy before. We’ve all been under the thumb of a smelly turd disguised as a human being with too much authority at some point. Expect a dopeless round of this if you’re still thinking about joining a cult. There will be a long list of rules to follow and if you fuck up, you’ll probably be introduced to the world of punishment that exists only in a kind of circus with no boundaries. C’mon, my Zoomers. No one wants their lives policed by a some crusty self-help authoritarian. If you think rules are a tons of fun you could become a cop. C’mon! Don’t be a dildo- cult’s are for cunts.
AND YOU’RE WELCOME!
